Keeping it Real!

After talking with Robbie about keeping things real, I decided to do that here again. I started this blog as a way to "work" through my life, but it has evolved into a scrapbook. Which that's not a bad thing, but what happened is I forgot why I started this blog thing to begin with. So here's to keeping it real!

I'm back in school for another semester. I am taking 5 classes.So far things are going well. Last week though, I struggled with knowing what I want to be when I grow up. Yes, I'm 45 and should already know that, but I've always done things the hard way. I think the reason I;m questioning this is because most jobs I've had have come some natural to me. Especially the jobs in social work. I love being a problem solver especially when it fits into relationships. When I started college I knew I wanted to go another direction and pursue my love for creating things. The problem I can't solve? It isn't coming easy. Okay, I did make the deans list last semester (go me), but it wasn't easy. Maybe that's my whole problem right there! I want life to be easy. I've come to the realization that I will bend over backwards to find a short cut to save time. This came to my realization while working math problems. I have this whole weird thing about wasting time. If I can't produce results for my time, I feel I wasted it. And you never get back wasted time! Wonder why I think that's a bad thing? Maybe it goes back to being a perfectionist? Heck if I know at this point.

Anyways, back to college. When I signed up for graphic design it never dawned on me that I would be drawing a lot. I mean I did have a drawing class last semester, but I thought that was all I would have to do. The problem with drawing is...... I Can't Draw!! Even growing up, when we had to draw a picture in class, all I could manage was a house with a chimney and windows. On a good day I might draw a recognizable tree. So for that reason, I never spent any time drawing. Well now I'm finding out drawing is a much needed skill. DUH! What is so frustrating me right now is when we are given an assignment we have to submit thumbnails of our design ideas. this is where I feel so limited. I have no problem coming up with ideas all day, but when it comes to putting those ideas into a picture, my brain shuts down!!! It kinda feels like I want to write a letter, but I can't read. I don't understand the language of drawing. Donny tried to help me, but it took him drawing one picture to confirm to me, I'm in over my head. He can draw amazing things! I'm so jealous.

I've talked to my teacher about this and he assures me that in the "real" world of design it's not going to matter because every thing's on the computer. Okay that sounds all great, but what about RIGHT NOW? Right now, I need to draw my ideas.... I don't have any answers to this but it does feel good to talk it out.

Another thing that's bothering me is....... I know this is a shocker to my friends who know me, my girls. I go through periods where I have peace. But lately I'm frustrated because I don't feel important to them. When I have this thought, I tell myself they probably feel the same way about me. I want to tell them how to fix their problems BUT they don't want to know what I think! How can I not voice my concerns? I hate acting like everything is just great when it's not. I want to scream!!!! Get your SHIT together already!! I'm mad!! I'm mad that I have no voice in their lives. They tell me I do, but when I mention something I get a wall. Amber told me once that she cares so much about what I think. The problem with that is she also feels she can't please me. So that brings me to the question...... Am I hard to please? Will I ever be satisfied with the choices my adult children make?
Can I learn to enjoy them even when....? I'm trying. I really am, but I have moments. Moments when I have the need to fix. Fix what "I" think is broken in their lives. Maybe I just have the need to do something....because having no control over their choices sucks!! I know I don't like to disappoint my mom and when she questions something in my life, I get defensive. But on the same page, I know my mom is the one person who can set me straight! I just want to control when she does it. I have no problem telling her things I need help figuring out. She is very wise. But there again, I want it to be on my terms. As Donny reminds me often, "The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree." And what a fruity tree it is. Well, I've run out of time, but I'll be back cause I've got lots more to get out!! Thanks Robbie for helping me get back to being real! I do feel much better. ")