Extended Vacation!

I've been busy cleaning today. Getting ready for Donny and Sean's mead party. I'm a little nervous because we invited the neighbors. Not sure if they'll come, but this is the first thing we've invited them to at our house.

LAst night was really hard for me. I had a meltdown. Due to crap that keeps happening with my kids I decided I'd had enough! I took out my suitcase and starterd throwing clothes into it. I was going on an extended vacaation!!! Of course Donny had no intention of letting me run. Dang it!

I had a great screaming session, even hit the wall a couple of times. After I got all my anger out I just had myself a good cry. This morning I woke up and knew I had to spend some time in the word of God. There is this thing in my life i can't change. It's not having the ability to enjoy my life no matter my circumstances.
It's so hard to live in peace when your children are making poor life decisions. Somethimes I think i've moved past the empty nest and letting go of my adult children, but then i have a moment. The base of this is fear is fear of losing the things I love most. And thinking I know what's best for them.

I can't control anything my kids do! I think I'd like too, but I'm not god. All I can do is pray. Hard!
And trusts that God will never let me down or leave me without hope.

God, I need you today! fill my mind with your peace as I focus on your word. You promise me so much. My part is to believe. Back to that faith thing. I want to have faith, but somedays it's soooo hard! Help my unbelief.

I surrender my kids to you and leave the results of their decisions at your feet. Direct their steps and please don't let them move so far away from you that they never return. Help me not to make this about me. You alone are in control and that's a safe thing. You will never let me go or my kids.


On a good note, April came over for dinner last night. I had a good visit with her and just tried to love on her unconditionally.

Today

I have to admit it's been hard to even think about writing in my blog this week. This has been a hard week for me, but I'm trying to press into God and give him my worries. The problem is I would really just like to have a BIG pity party or a guilt trip! Other than the two of those, I'm great.

The situation with April is so hard. What's a mom to do? All mom's try their best, but motherhood comes with no guarantees. It doesn't even come with a 90 day warranty or your life back. The battle in my mind 2-day is what's on my agenda. I know I've got to make the decision to do the hard stuff, like going on with my life even though this situation looks worse. The hard stuff to me is being nice to me. My sweet husband would also say I've not been extra fun to live with this week. He is so good to me and patient. I've learn so much from him about living in the meantime. Donny is naturally an optimistic. Some days it's very annoying. Like today for instance. I slept later than normal. When I came into the kitchen stiff from laying down so long, he was sitting at the table typing away. He has found a book he started writing years ago and he's found the a spark for writing I guess he thought was lost. Ole grumpy here just wanted some stinking coffee. It didn't go over to well when I noticed my lovely husband seemed to be in a chipper mood. I wanted to yell, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Haven't you been through the same crap I've been through?" But I didn't say a word other than I need some space, I'll read your book later when i can think.
i admit there is this selfish part in my soul that wants the world to stop when I'm hurting., The thing is, the world doesn't. It keeps on rotating around the sun as if all is well.
I know in God's world it is all well, but I want to scream HEY!!!! WHAT ABOUT MY WORLD?

As soon as I have this thought, i quickly squash it down, because good Christians aren't supposed to say things like that. (whatever)

I am reading a book right now. It's called, Wrecked. It's okay. Not a joyful read. Mostly about how our culture has corrupted our thinking. I think I should probably read something humorous.

I want to work on something creative today, but I'm not sure I have any creative juices. Maybe I should stir them a little and see.

That reminds me, the other night at home group Amy said something so funny, but true. She saide "don't should all over yourself." Say it outloud.......see...it's sounds like something else. But it's been a good reminder not to dwell on the should'ves and could'ves. I hope my writing here will soon become lighter, but for now, I'm going to be real and not worry about what people think when they read it.

It's truly the best I have today.

On a happy note, I've posted some pics of my sweet husband. I love you hun!

Wind

This Spring has been one to remember for strong storms and strong winds. Just last night we had strong winds that has left a huge portion of the area without electricity. When Donny went outside this morning he found our beautiful bradford pear laying on the ground. As he informed me, bradford pears are known to be weak trees that often fall during strong winds. So why am I writing about a tree? It's really not about the tree as much as it's about the wind.

It got me thinking about how wind has a way of "cleaning up". When winds blow hard it makes a really big mess. Leaves, limbs, and trash litter yards and streets. But what we sometimes fail to think about is what the wind accomplishes in the long run.

It prunes the weak things.

Could this be the purpose for storms with high winds in our own lives? Isn't this an interesting thought?

As a matter of fact the bible makes many references to this fact. Pruning, cutting off, burning up.
God I know there are lots of things in my life I need to prune, but unless you step in and do the cutting, it will just die on the vine and choke out the life found in the roots. I know this is deep, but ramblings are like that.

God help me not to curse the wind. Help me to trust the wind you bring and welcome the change. this is kinda scary for me to pray because winds can be scary and the aftermath is a mess! But remind me to look at the final product. New life. Beauty. Peace. Satisfaction.

Expectancy

I love this picture. We were at Bridget and Eric's house. They have a pool and it's proven to be a great tool to get our family together. Of course, Autumn loves it the most. It amazes me how she isn't afraid of the water at all. She slides down the slide with expectation of fun!

Her passion for life is aspiring. "Oh to be young again" is a qutoe I've found myself saying. I've realized youthfulness is a matter of the heart and not time.

This morning as I sat drinking my java and trying to wake up, my eye fell upon a card I tacked to my bulleting board. the front of the card has a quote from "Joyce". (You know me and Joyce are tight) :)

"We need to get up in the morning, EXCITED about life. We need to learn how to enjoy life and CELEBRATE life. We need to learn to live like little child with EXPECTANCY." So I decided this was a word for me from God. Yesterday I battled the "FUNK" all day. Fleeting thoughts of "this is it from now on" "get used to no fun" What lies! God reminded me this morning to stop and think about what am I expecting from today? boredom? loneliness? or peace and joy in Him? thank you Lord for teaching me in the little things. Help me to expect a life full of the abundance you've promised! i have so much to be thankful for. Help me to put my eyes back on you and this awesome life you've given to me. May I never feel entitled to happiness, but breathe in life deeply as if it might be my last chance to capture it. Help me to become like a little child in my attitude about life. I want to live life as you've intended and I don't want to miss a thing!!!

oh what to do?

Okay God! I'm up early worrying again. This situation with April is really bothering me. I admit I'm not trusting you with this situation. Oh what to do?
I know what I'd like to do..... kick her once really hard in the buttocks and hope it knocks some sense into her thick skull.

But then again, I imagine you feel this way with me often also.

It breaks my heart to think about what April is doing to Scott. God help him deal with the pain in his heart. Comfort him and draw him close to you. Use this time to teach him who you are and how much you love him. Give Donny and I wisdom on how to deal with him.

As far as April goes God I surrender her to you. I feel I'm being so passive by not knocking some sense into her. I think back to when I was making these same choices. I didn't care how much I hurt richard. I wanted to do what I wanted to do and nobody was going to get in my way. Oh God!!!! Thank you for your sea of forgetfulness! I've drowned a lifetime of mistakes. I know your word says you don't remember them but honestly my little human brain can't fathom that. guess that's why I have to have faith.

FAITH

It's that thing you can't put your finger on.
It's that thing you hold onto when nothing in this world makes sense.

Faith is full of substance. Substance with power!
It waits for us to come and partake.

It doesn't force itself on us. It's patient.
But know this;
Once you take a leap you will begin to soar above the clouds of unbelief.
The pit of despair will be a thing you vaguely remember.

faith is the thing you hope for when all your other coping mechanisms have failed.
It's the container of God's power that carries you through.

It's the light in the darkness moment in time.
It's love flying above you watching over you!

Faith is hope. Hope. Hope. Hope with power. It doesn't just sit watching you suffer. Faith works. But it requires your hope. your belief.

Faith. God's answer to unbelief. God's answer to the unanswered.
Leaning over looking into the pit of helpless, faith comes and rests on you.

Taks a step toward this thing called faith. It's hope. love. peace. victory. power. life changing. giant killer. heart healer. mind cleanser. breath giver. soul healer.

F-A-I-T-H it's like putting on God's eyes and seeing your situation in the light of Almighty Father! faith; it never fails. It always hopes.

Put on your faith glasses! Walk in God's peace.

Faith is the substance of the things of hope. It's movement among the dead.

Change is good but often scary

Today was my last day to work for VBSD. Although I'm excited about going to college, I'm sad to be leaving Maria and Kary.
I felt so bad for Kary today. The situation with her job is really sucking right now. I know God has a plan, but the process of the journey is hard to watch. I can't stand to see people I care about hurt. Kary desrves to be treated better than this district has treated her. I know in the end it will all make sense, but as I said "right now" sucks.

The Meantime
It's like being stuck in a holding pattern that you have no control over.
Not to mention you have no idea who is in comtrol of releasing the holding pattern. In my heart I know God is in control, but in the meantime it's hard.
Jesus i know you were so familiar with this fact of life. You lived in the meantime.
You came here to die, but in the meantime, you lived out your Father's will.
I've had lots of meantimes too. Nothing like what Jesus experienced, of course, but enough to know it's NOT FUN!!!
I guess if we never had any "meantimes" we would never enjoy the "moments" when the holding pattern releases and we finally make some headway toward our destination. This life is definately a "meantime".
help0 me Lord to live out your will in your joy during my meantime on this earth. Help me not to look at situations beyond my contol with fear. Take a way the butterflies in my tummy and give me your peace. I really need to know I'm in your will. Is it okay to be here? to admit I'm scared?

Watch over April. Being her home safely. Open the eyes of her heart Lord! Bring her back to you. fill the void in her heart and set her free to be all you've planned for her to be. I giver her to you!